Dear Diary 4-5-17

Dear Diary,

Today was an ok day. I still have crippling anxiety at the thought of my appointment with my new psychiatrist on Friday, but I am coping. I have not self-harmed since I had to get stitches and for that I am proud. I still am not eating, but I don’t know how much of that is me restricting versus just a side effect (that I love) of this new drug. I have gained quite a bit of weight since my mental health started to decline, so losing fifteen pounds in three weeks is dangerously inspiring. I finally ate some pizza today as I was hungry for the first time in a while, but I purged. At least I got something into my system.

I am currently sitting in front of the wide open window on my ninth floor apartment with all the lights out watching the severe weather roll in. Storms make me so happy and they have since I was old enough to know what they were. I mostly like them because I am an adrenaline junkie but I also love how humbling they are. Right now, I am incredibly fatalistic, the adrenaline from knowing I shouldn’t be sitting in front of the window with all this lightning during a severe weather warning is especially thrilling. Of course I won’t get struck by lighting, but the mere chance exists me. I sit here getting constant alerts about the amount of lightning this storm is producing and the hail and winds and I am overjoyed. It’s dumb, I know it and I’m sure I’ll read back on this and be ashamed. But I’ve always loved storms so it really isn’t too out of the ordinary for me.

I sit here alone in the dark and I am humbled by the sheer power of these natural phenomena. The purple, the pink, the white. Lightning is beautiful, but so deadly. I love that contrast, it brings me peace somehow. I am trying to put my finger on why, but I just can’t quite come up with the words. I just enjoy symbolic, ironic dichotomies.

The storms make me feel so insignificant and at the hands of fate. It lessens the significance of my problems. For ten minutes, or however long the storm lasts, I can forget about what’s going on in my life and just marvel at the strength of nature. I’ve always wanted to be a meteorologist, maybe I should have gone that route. It’s not like I know what route I’m taking anyway, but whatever…I’m rambling.

It’s funny because I love to be alone, but I hate to be alone without someone nearby. My roommate has recently been spending most of her time out of the apartment and I am always alone. But when she is here we don’t interact that much unless we have plans to have a girls night or something. It’s weird to me that it is much less anxiety inducing to be alone in my room while she is one room over. It’s like a comfort blanket, just there if I need it.

I’m already judging myself about this post because it is so boring and pointless. If I was writing in a real diary, I wouldn’t be so critical. Maybe I’ll have to turn this blog to private, I don’t know. Always questioning, always being critical…

Anxiety wise, today was rough even though I was only out of the house for three hours for class. Every tiny noise causes an unwelcome adrenaline rush and release of cortisol that leaves me reeling. After class I obsessively thought about how I made a fool of myself for talking so much in class. I love literature so I just couldn’t help myself. It was miserable so I drowned it out with Netflix. Something I am trying hard not to do.

I recently bought a book called How to Be Sick and I want to devote my time to finishing my first whole self help book. I love to read and I have at least ten books on my bookshelf that I am dying to read. However, Netflix is easier and I frequently turn to that. Maybe I’ll try a no-Netflix month. Who knows.

My friend (Alex whom I used to date) just came as he didn’t want to drive his car back from campus to his apartment if it was going to hail. He is great but I will save him for another day as this is already quite long and I’m being incredible judgmental of myself for this. Ugh. It never ends.