Blast From the Past: First Depressive Episode – Part 2

Post-Diagosis with Depression

Age: 15

12-1-09

Today sucked. We had a speaker in health talking about depression and she said if you had four or more of the listed symptoms, you should talk to someone. Well I had all but four…I was going to talk to my mom about it but we got in a fight in the car about how she is done with me being sad. So I don’t feel like I can talk to her about it anymore.  Ugh, I don’t know what to do. Now, I am denying myself food and fun. Things are getting worse.

 

12-3-09

WORST DAY EVER. Started out with a “so real” dream about Joe*… Ended with seeing him and his girlfriend together. FML! No one sat with me in any classes. I’m not eating AT ALL. UGH. I need to talk to someone. It is getting worse. ASAP.

 

12-16-09

Well today was probably the best days I have had in a loooooooong time. Aaron* and I are going to go out soon I think. My mom got me an appointment with a therapist because of a note I wrote her. The appointment got cancelled so we are trying to schedule another one ASAP. Four more days of hell (school)…

 

1-3-10

Hey. Well Christmas break is over L FML. I hate school! I want to switch soooo badly but it will probably not happen. FML (again). I am incredibly sad and antisocial 24/7. My friends hate me and so does everyone else. Volleyball starts tomorrow… It is going to f****** suck soooo much! UGH!! 104 days of hell (school). I wish things were still simple.

Me and Aaron* are going out but I don’t want to. So idk what will happen with that. Exams are in two weeks. Maybe I’ll switch schools then.

Three Wishes:

  1. Move to a new state
  2. Me to be skinny and happy and pretty
  3. More wishes
  4. World peace
  5. Fix climate change
  6. Joe* moving to Antarctica (and freezing)
  7. My family to be happy and healthy.
  8. Money
  9. More wishes
  10. etc…

**Laughing at “I wish things were still simple.” If you only knew how simple things were…

 

1-13-10

Well I went to the therapist and I loved it. I am going once a week – I hope it helps because mentally I am not willing to change my attitude at all. Volleyball sucks, I don’t try anymore. I still want to switch schools – maybe if I get meds and act happy ha. I am stressed, overwhelmed, unhappy, AHH… Exams are next week. I’m going to fail. Me and Aaron* are no more. I’m not allowed to quit volleyball. I saw Joe*-asshole at the mall. I hate him.

 

1-23-10

Yesterday was a great day. I got to go to the mall and I had an appointment and I went to [the city] with Gabby* and her dad, Alanna* and her dad, Abby, and my dad and I. It was fun. Today is Alanna’s* birthday. I had exams and I think I aced them all. Today I am very sad and I don’t know why. I really want to redo my room.

 

1-24-10

I officially declare the dream I had last night the worst dream EVER. Ok so in my dream, Joe* texted me and said he was sorry and that he hoped we could do things differently. I texted him and told him to come over and that I loved him. He told me it would be like twenty minutes because he needed to break up with his girlfriend. When he came over, we hugged and started going out again. I told him that if this was a dream, I would kill myself. That is how real it was, like I could actually think and decide what I wanted to do. FML. Ugh. I was doing so much better and now I feel back on the edge. I’m one step away, while last week I was twenty steps away. Again, I kind of wish Joe* would break up. FML.

 

3-21-10

Wow I have not written in a LONG time, my bad. I am feeling better than I have been because I am taking medication. My therapist told me I should see a psychiatrist for antidepressants. I have been on a kind (that works) for a week. The first attempt after two weeks did not work. I think I am mostly over Joe* and I don’t want him to die anymore haha. There is a dance coming up on April 16th but I probably won’t go. Volleyball still sucks but we’ll see. My confidence in everything sucks, I am trying to only eat one small meal a day, but I’m not going to get an eating disorder! I’m just going to lose weight, then I’ll eat more. Right now, I am just too fat and ugly. I don’t want summer to come because then I get to show everyone how fat, ugly, and pale I am. UGH…life. We are going to DC for spring break! Yay! I got rubber bands for my braces so I can get them off before Sophomore year starts!

**Oh if only antidepressants actually did work or not work after a week haha also funny that I thought I could just have an eating disorder until I lost the weight I wanted to lose.

 

3-24-10

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROTHER!

Today, I decided to change the spelling of my name from Allie to Ally? Why? Because I’m bored. Today I had to do box pushes at volleyball and I almost passed out. It is because I am not eating though. My goal everyday is to eat only five different things and under 600 calories (for now). I have to decrease slowly or I don’t function well. Today I had like 1,000 and I thought about throwing up. But I decided not to.

**Oh the beginning of ED life.

 

4-9-10

A stupid goose woke me up this morning. So my day is starting out wonderfully. Over spring break I ate A TON and I gained A TON of weight. My goal now is less than 450 calories a day (starting today). I am a vegetarian now. I haven’t had meat in a week J Today my goal is to only eat three bowls of cheerios. I HAVE TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT! Ugh.

 

5-6-10

I have gained a lot – I am so fat -_- Tomorrow is the begging of losing it (and more J). Can’t eat list:

  • Peanut butter
  • Desserts
  • Chips
  • Ice cream
  • Candy
  • Cinnamon toast crunch
  • Granola bars
  • Meat
  • Cheese (sliced)
  • Smoothies
  • 1+ fruit a day
  • Graham crackers
  • Pretzels

Hopefully I will stick with this. I am trying to stay under 600 and decrease slowly. I made myself puke today. And I realized I have been taking the wrong meds out of the cabinet. My thighs and hips and arms are soooooo fat. My face is butt ugly.

**Keep in mind that I was probably under 115 at this point in my life. Oh, to go back to that weight…

 

5-12-10

Oh shit, well Monday I cut myself BAD. I told my friends and mom that I burned myself on the hair straightener. I’m so fat and UGLY. I don’t know what to do. I hate life.

P.S. I don’t know why they believe me because it is obviously two cuts.

 

6-19-10

Well, I switched meds again but I’m still sad. I don’t know how to describe it. I watched Shutter Island today and I decided I wish I was mentally insane. It’s like living in a fantasy or a nightmare. I know that is weird but I don’t care; I am tired of this. I try to convince myself that I see things or hear things. I feel messed up even writing this, it’s probably just PMS but it can’t be because I have my period. AH what do I do…

 

8-9-20

Sorry, I haven’t written in a while. BTW – last entry = total PMS. That’s some messed up stuff. I AM OVER JOE*! Yeah buddy! Volleyball tryouts today. If I don’t make it I will die. That’s legit too. AHHHHH! I am so behind on school work too…FML. Last Friday I went to the Rascal Flatts concert and on Thursday the Paramore concernt. I ❤ my new friends!

 

*****This is the gap where my horrible ex-boyfriend made me rip out a bunch of pages because they were so messed up. He thought it would help me to move on, nope.

 

11-6-10

Wow, it’s been a long time. I didn’t make volleyball therefore I’m fatter. I have been throwing up everything I eat. I haven’t taken my medicine and I lie about taking it. I want to die again. I love my friends. I like Aaron* a lot. We will date. My current best friend almost moved to NYC and now it might be Indianapolis. I am doing bad in school. I think I have ADD. My room is a mess. I’m ugly, even though I got my braces off. I have my period and a yeast infection, FML.

 

Age:16

7-5-11

Shiz it’s been a while. Aaron* and I dated…then broke up. I cheated on him (I was super drunk) with two guys. I was devastated. I drank because I was sad and I thought it would help. Let’s make a list:

  1. I cut myself – all the time. Badly.
  2. I am FAT!
  3. I am paranoid about being pregnant but I have never had sex. Odd…
  4. I drink – A LOT. (But now I am not. I reward myself every month I don’t, I promise)
  5. I HATE my life.
  6. I have no friends.
  7. I’m ugly.
  8. Guys hate me.
  9. I got new meds and tomorrow I am getting more.
  10. I am obsessed with Harry Potter.

 

Reflection on posts to come! Hopefully soon, but I’ve been so busy with work. Sorry for the gap in posts!!!

 

 

 

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Blast From the Past: First Depressive Episode – Part 1

Pre-Depression Diagnosis

Age: 14; *Changed names for privacy

7-11-09

Well, ha, I’ve never been so sad in my life 😦 I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like I have no friends and I cried for an hour straight. It wasn’t a calm cry either 😦 UGH! I need help.

 

8-18-09

Well… This past month was THE WORST IN MY LIFE. It started with me being sad ALL the time. Then me and Joe* broke up (I did it). That was the hardest, most terrible thing I have ever done. Well after that, I didn’t talk to him for like two weeks. He had started talking to a girl and now they are going out and I don’t think he even knows her or likes her. He told me to wait for him which is a bunch of BS because he can “move on” but I can’t. He started saying that we can’t leave it up to chance that we will go out again. It wasn’t guaranteed ever ha… Ugh this other girl thing hurts me so bad. I don’t know what to do. It is like he is using her to test the waters, then is using me to come back to. UGH! 😦 😦 😦 😦 I never thought this would happen. I hate to say it but I thought I loved him. Ahh! I really hope it all works out. I made volleyball and I think I could start! Also I started talking to Aaron and he asked if I wanted to go out some time. For now though, I just need closure with Joe* 😦 Also, the lowest point of my life happened.

 

8-30-09

😦 Ugh, I’m really hating my life right now. Everything makes me sad and I can’t have fun or enjoy anything. I saw Joe* for the first time last night since June 20th happened. It was so bad. He is so different and idk about being friends. I wish I could just move and start completely over. UGH! I am not looking forward to high school AT ALL! I had my first two volleyball games yesterday. We won and I played libero.

 

9-7-09

HAPPY LABOR DAY! Well…I’m doing a lot better now. Joe* and I never talk (only once since we broke up). I am actually hoping to become friends with his girl. School starts tomorrow! Volleyball is great! I am playing libero even against the tough teams J There is a chance I might have broken my thumb tho, but I’m not going to the doctor and I suck it up and play. I’m not really feeling my new school but we will see… Festival is this weekend! I got an env touch (new phone) last Sunday.

 

9-12-09

Well nevermind. I’m actually doing a lot worse now. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t like school, the girls at my school, or just life. This weekend is the festival but I don’t think I’m going to go. I can’t believe I am admitting this, but I wanna go out with Joe* so bad. I can’t stand it anymore L UGH! I wish I could just move!! Friends are bothering me also. My mom said she was going to take me to the doctor to get meds that will keep me happy. I hope that works.

***Laughing so hard @ “meds that will keep me happy.” If only….

 

9-23-09

YAY! I am so over Joe* and I have decided to be social! Volleyball is going great, I am playing libero and we play [our rival] tomorrow! We are 11-0 and they are undefeated too! Oh man, I’m pumped! AHHHH! We have to win, it is a home game too J J J J I’ll let you know how it goes! BTW, I’m going to the dance with Aaron* J School is good too J

 

10-24-09

Well – a lot has happened in the past month. We beat [our rival] twice! Including, in one match, a game that was 9-25. We crushed them J We ended up losing to [another school] in the tourney finals. We got too cocky. Today I am in my cousin’s wedding. Me and [new guy] went to fall ball and I got confirmed over the past two weeks. Joe* – I don’t know what to feel about this anymore. I miss him so much. Me and Alanna [best friend since 2001] are having issues. Apparently we aren’t best friends anymore.

 

11-14-09

Oops! I haven’t written in a while. Things are going ok. Friends are still pissing me off and me and Alanna are still awkward. School is ok, I get my report card today, all A’s? I hope so! Varsity Volleyball is in the state finals today. Both schools are undefeated. I’m praying [my school] wins. I don’t really like [my school], I don’t know if I want to go there next year, we’ll see. I am having a lot of issues now. With body image, self-confidence and just being happy and everything. I emailed this speaker at school about Joe* and his verbal abusive ways and he told me to just talk to someone older that I trust. But I don’t want to be with him anymore because I realized his abusive ways and how he can’t change. I’m over him – I just have to work on myself now. I went to [all guy’s school] mixer last night and danced with like 5 guys. Of course, though, all guys are D-bags and only want to dance then they leave. I am going to take a huge break from them. Tryouts for [club] volleyball are this week… AHHHHHHHHHHH! I’M STRESSED OUT!

 

Age: 15

11-27-09

Well I’m really missing Joe* this week. I don’t know why I’m having major issues with self-confidence too L UGH well I strained my thumb – that’s why my handwriting sucks ha. I’m 15 now! I did not make [two of the competitive club teams] so yeah I’m not happy about that -_- I’m on [another club team] with a friend from school. Right now, I am just wishing my dad will get a job offer for somewhere far away. I know it is selfish, but it doesn’t hurt to hope. Guys are stupid!

 

*Changed names for privacy.

 

 

Blast From The Past: March 8th, 2011

I found this poem from March 8th, 2011. And wow, it’s crazy. Also, I realized I am a horrible poet. My writing has improved drastically, thank goodness!

 

Why won’t the pain go away?

Even when I fake a smile,

the pain just grows

knowing not even faking will help.

 

With others I smile, laugh

but alone I cannot dream of these.

I hate myself.

I hate my life.

I want to die.

 

Is it bad to pray to die?

The thought of driving into

other cars head on is daily,

I am in fear of driving alone.

 

When my best friend moves,

I will have no one.

If I am not dead by then, I will do it.

I have already made up my mind.

 

I like being hopeless –

it’s a feeling I can feel.

I do not want to change,

I want to get worse

 

Lately I have been too tired

to cut or to hurt deeper,

but once I am awake,

I hope for the painless

world of sleep.

 

The sight of my blood

makes me happy,

the sight of people

pisses me off.

But this is alright.

 

The fat on my body –

I am craving my anorexia.

Or even better – cancer.

For if I died naturally,

I wouldn’t have to hurt

my family or my few friends.

They do not care anyways.

 

I want to go to treatment,

somewhere far away.

If my mom knew how I feel,

I would be carted off to the hospital.

 

I wish I could escape

without hurting whom I love,

but this is necessary.

And it must be done.

Blast From The Past: Introduction

Blast from the past (BFTP) is a new category I have started after discovering old journals of mine from the first depressive episode I ever experienced in 2009. Reading this journal has shed light on what I am going through today and has validated what I am going through. Considering I have no memory of these times in my life, I am very glad I have written documentation. Unfortunately, an abusive ex made me rip up a lot of the really bad posts as a way of moving on, so I don’t have the worst ones. The ones I do have are still interesting. This category is more for me, that I always have access to this documentation of this time. But I hope this can help others who maybe feel similar to the way I wrote about.

Inpatient Day Three? Four?: 4-23-17

**Written on 4-23-17, published 4-27-17 from my inpatient journal**

Sunday (NOT) Funday

Today went well, relative to the fact that I’m stuck in here with no access to the outside world. I am sick of eating and I am dreading everyone being on my case when I get out of here. I am going to be on a strict diet plan which will suck.

I coped well today despite being very stressed about life and finals. If I don’t get discharged in the morning [Monday], I’m going to be in a really rough place. I don’t want to freak out, but I will. I don’t want to be sedated and put in isolation, but I may need it.

There are places on my bedroom wall that are clearly painted over and I’m so curious as to what is underneath. I am painfully curious about all of this and about everyone’s story. I eavesdrop like crazy. The dramatic woman here (who almost got a code called on her for being violent yesterday) was somewhat more calm, so Inpatient of Our Lives was not a good soap opera today. Maybe tomorrow.

Almost passed out this morning (BP standing 80/50) and felt dizzy all day. Super anxious about 5am vitals in the morning, because that is two days in a row that this has happened. I am going to try not to take my new nighttime medicine (Vistaril) to see if that is what is causing it (aside from a possible refeeding syndrome). But the anxiety will keep me awake and the sleeping medicine won’t be there to help me sleep. Oh well…

Ok time to hide my tiny pencil contraband. Goodnight.

Inpatient Day One: 4-20-17

**Written on 4-20-17, published 4-27-17 from my inpatient journal**

Well, what a doozy it has been. I was feeling quite awful the last time I posted and I went to the ER. I had taken six shots, knowing fully well I was being self-destructive and that it would land me in the ER if I didn’t self-harm horribly or attempt to OD. I knew I would purposefully trigger myself. I knew I would end up self-harming. I didn’t know I would end up legitimately wanting to kill myself, and preparing the pills and alcohol. I freaked out and began self-harming like never before. I have always believed strongly that I would never be able to kill myself because of my aunt, so the fact that I was willing and able shocked my system. After about 40 cuts, one needing stitches, and six shots, I asked my roommate to take me to the ER.

I am writing this on a yellow legal pad with an illegal pencil I snuck into my room in an inpatient unit at a private mental hospital. I took an hour and a half ambulance ride to a hospital that actually had a bed for someone like me. I am absolutely horrified. I feel like my problems still aren’t bad enough to warrant this and I feel like I am wasting so much of my parents’ money (**I no longer believe this, but at the time I fully believed this**). I see the thinner, sicker girls, and it is so triggering. I am still fat and yet they put me on this stupid eating disorder protocol. I don’t know, I am very exhausted, but I want to document my experiences. I’m sure I will post more details after the fact.

What have I done…

Inpatient Day Three: 4-22-17

**Written on 4-22-17, published 4-27-17 from my inpatient journal**

Today I was exhausted. I passed out this morning during 5am vitals. From sitting to standing, my blood pressure dropped, my pulse increased dangerously, and my vision slowly turned black. Orthostatic hypotension I suppose, but I don’t know what is causing it. I am so tired from being woken up by check-ups throughout the night, from 5am vitals, from constant groups, from being forced to eat and being watched, from not being allowed in my room for an hour after every meal. I want to go home so badly. I hate eating and I want to go back to restricting. I just need to figure out finals, ugh it is adding so much stress and making things worse.

Keeping this short and sweet because I can’t keep my eyes open anymore.

I adore the people on the eating disorder protocol with me. Joy and Megan are angels and I am not sure I would make it through this without them keeping me as sane as they can while inpatient at a mental hospital. The dry, crude humor and sarcasm with Megan has me laughing for the first time in a while. I wish I could make Joy and Megan’s pain go away… They deserve the world and then some. Everyone here does. It hurts me that everyone here is hurting so terribly.

I got a lot of positive affirmations today. People told me I have great energy and I bring a light to their day. I was also told I was gorgeous and that my beauty is awe inspiring. This made me feel so good, but I still don’t believe it.

Okay must sleep. Goodnight.

I have to be discharged Monday for finals. Please….

 

4-11-17

Dear Diary,

It’s been five days since my appointment and while I’m still not letting myself feel the emotions from that day, I have been taking action in other ways. For instance, I am getting referrals for hospital therapists and for a PHP program back at home. I am working on the appointment for the neuropsychiatric evaluation and getting my medications in line. For once I am willing to open up completely to a therapist to get the help I need and deserve. I am putting it all out there, in the hopes that I will get results. What happens if I don’t? Well I have some morbid ideas about that but hopefully I won’t have to deal with that.

The PHP program I am trying to get into is at a private institution which already screened me out for a psychiatrist and a therapist at their institution. This hurt me hard and had me seething at the current mental health system. I believed they didn’t want a patient as complicated as me in order to keep their numbers high, I thought they just didn’t want to deal with me and couldn’t help me. If this well-regarded mental health facility can’t help me, then who could? I felt rejected and defeated, and all as a result of the wording they used. “We don’t have any doctors willing to take you on as a patient.” As a mental health facility, I expected more. They are dealing with fragile patients and their families and hearing this felt like a kick in the gut. They referred me to a place I had already tried. I was devastated and about ready to throw in the towel.

It seems that whenever I am ready to give up, something good happens to keep me going. It’s like some cruel joke the universe has planned for me, but that’s a little egocentric and probably not true (although sometimes a good “woe is me” attitude is necessary to get through life events). I am about at the end of my rope once again. After being diagnosed with BPD and realizing that everything I am taking is the correct treatment, my hope is dwindling. I’m not sure I can take being rejected from this PHP program even though the chances are great that I will be based on past experience. The last time I needed to get into IOP, I had to go to the ED before they would see me, otherwise it would take months to even have an intake appointment. I am beyond baffled by the mental health system and shocked that in 2017 it still exists this way.

Mentally ill patients are second class citizens and it will be that way until politicians realize the necessity for social programs and subsidies. I don’t know, I hate politics. I just need something to change.

When I called the insurance about covering a partial program, the first question I was asked was “are you suicidal?” and I stumbled over my words. I thought, if I say no they may not cover the program, but if I say yes they may call the cops on me. Now, in hindsight, they wouldn’t have called the cops on me but that is such a loaded question and I was offended that I was asked that when simply implying about my coverage (or my parent’s coverage; when I get kicked off my parent’s coverage I am going to be in real trouble, but that’s a post for another day). I reiterated that I just wanted to know about coverage level, yet he persistently asked me questions like “you just had treatment, why do you need it again?” or “what is your current diagnosis and why is this medically necessary?” and I was pissed. I am not supposed to be the one explaining why this is medically necessary, how can anyone determine what is medically necessary and when? I finally told him that if he is trying to determine medical necessity that he should talk to my doctor and I just want to know what it will cost. Finally I got an answer, but I was furious. The stigma is alive and well and I see it around every corner.

Now I sit and wait once again for my fate to be delivered to me with “accepted” or “rejected”.

A New Lens

The dreaded appointment was on Friday and it was a doozy. An hour and a half intake appointment turned into three as new diagnoses were thrown at me left and right. I am suppressing the emotions as I don’t think I can handle them right now but I just want to give an overview for my own recollection.

I walked into the neuropsychiatric hospital which I spent so much time in last fall and I instantly panicked. The memories and feelings rushed back, adding to the nerves. I got there thirty minutes early and sat in the waiting room like I was waiting to hear bad news. I watched as parents came in with clothes for their child who likely tried to kill themselves and got themselves committed to the residential floor. They smiled and laughed and looked totally normal and that bothered me. We all have our coping mechanism though…

Finally my new doctor came out and I was told how she is a third year medical student and I would not be able to see her more than two times until she moved on in rotations. Broke my heart. I made a four page list of things I wanted to talk about, which probably made me look absolutely insane, but she didn’t know how much I needed this appointment to work out. All of my fragile eggs were in her wavering basket, unbeknownst to her. We went through my history for an hour and a half. She asked me pointed questions and I rambled on, something I do when I am nervous. After an hour and a half, she went to get her attending to talk about my diagnoses. My obsessive four page list of problems went with her to speak to the attending. I sat in the fluorescent lights of her office for thirty minutes, my heart racing and jumping every time I saw someone walk by the door. It felt a lot like waiting to find out about cancer. My illness is terminal all the same, unfortunately in an entirely different way then cancer is terminal.

The attending and my psychiatrist walked in and I immediately had a million questions. She told me that she needs me to see a therapist, go to another partial hospitalization program, and get all my vitals and blood work done before I could leave the hospital to ensure that my disordered eating wasn’t causing major problems. Then she started to list all these disorders, some I was told the name of eight years ago, and some that I never thought I would hear.

Major depressive disorder

Generalized anxiety disorder

Panic disorder

Agoraphobia

Bulimia

Anorexia

Borderline personality disorder

That last one rang in my head and drowned out her voice and that of the attending. Borderline personality disorder. Borderline. BPD. Personality disorder. No mention of bipolar. She printed me a handout that conveniently is the first result when googling “borderline personality disorder” and told me to learn more about the disorder. I laughed. There is something so funny to me about being handed a stapled packet of papers in this situation. Who knows…

What crushed me the most is that I am doing all that I can to treat this. I’ve been on antidepressants, I’ve been on mood stabilizers and anxiety medication. I’ve done the therapy thing and the outpatient treatment. There is nothing different I can do to treat this. My hopes were set on bipolar, it would have explained everything and why nothing has worked.  It would have meant that I was doing something wrong and a change could drastically improve my life. It would have meant that maybe this thing wouldn’t kill me after all.

I walked out of the hospital seeing the world through a new lens. Except this lens makes things less clear and I cannot, no matter how hard I try, take it off to see the world like I did just three hours prior.