5-25-17

Dear Diary,

Well I have tried to write a million different posts, but it’s bad. I’m so beyond depressed and I can’t do anything. I started work last week and I think that is the only thing keeping me sane, even though I hate it so much. It keeps me busy during the day, but then I cry all night. I self-harmed again (not as bad as it was a couple weeks ago), and I started purging and restricting again. I can’t restrict so much when I’m at my parents house for the summer for an internship, so that causes more purging. But I really don’t care anymore. I am writing this in the middle of staring at the ceiling catatonically, while one or two tears fall down the side of my face. I always say being moderately depressed is the worst because you have to function while hurting, but this sucks a lot too. This feels a lot like the worst episode I have ever had and I’m scared. I don’t know what to do or how to do it because it’s really clear now that this is going to keep happening over and over again. I have “turned on autopilot” which helps me to get through the day, but it only makes things worse, I know. I just can’t deal with my reality and I don’t have another choice. This is the absolute worst. I need help again already and I don’t have the courage or strength to get it.

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Blast From the Past: First Depressive Episode – Part 2

Post-Diagosis with Depression

Age: 15

12-1-09

Today sucked. We had a speaker in health talking about depression and she said if you had four or more of the listed symptoms, you should talk to someone. Well I had all but four…I was going to talk to my mom about it but we got in a fight in the car about how she is done with me being sad. So I don’t feel like I can talk to her about it anymore.  Ugh, I don’t know what to do. Now, I am denying myself food and fun. Things are getting worse.

 

12-3-09

WORST DAY EVER. Started out with a “so real” dream about Joe*… Ended with seeing him and his girlfriend together. FML! No one sat with me in any classes. I’m not eating AT ALL. UGH. I need to talk to someone. It is getting worse. ASAP.

 

12-16-09

Well today was probably the best days I have had in a loooooooong time. Aaron* and I are going to go out soon I think. My mom got me an appointment with a therapist because of a note I wrote her. The appointment got cancelled so we are trying to schedule another one ASAP. Four more days of hell (school)…

 

1-3-10

Hey. Well Christmas break is over L FML. I hate school! I want to switch soooo badly but it will probably not happen. FML (again). I am incredibly sad and antisocial 24/7. My friends hate me and so does everyone else. Volleyball starts tomorrow… It is going to f****** suck soooo much! UGH!! 104 days of hell (school). I wish things were still simple.

Me and Aaron* are going out but I don’t want to. So idk what will happen with that. Exams are in two weeks. Maybe I’ll switch schools then.

Three Wishes:

  1. Move to a new state
  2. Me to be skinny and happy and pretty
  3. More wishes
  4. World peace
  5. Fix climate change
  6. Joe* moving to Antarctica (and freezing)
  7. My family to be happy and healthy.
  8. Money
  9. More wishes
  10. etc…

**Laughing at “I wish things were still simple.” If you only knew how simple things were…

 

1-13-10

Well I went to the therapist and I loved it. I am going once a week – I hope it helps because mentally I am not willing to change my attitude at all. Volleyball sucks, I don’t try anymore. I still want to switch schools – maybe if I get meds and act happy ha. I am stressed, overwhelmed, unhappy, AHH… Exams are next week. I’m going to fail. Me and Aaron* are no more. I’m not allowed to quit volleyball. I saw Joe*-asshole at the mall. I hate him.

 

1-23-10

Yesterday was a great day. I got to go to the mall and I had an appointment and I went to [the city] with Gabby* and her dad, Alanna* and her dad, Abby, and my dad and I. It was fun. Today is Alanna’s* birthday. I had exams and I think I aced them all. Today I am very sad and I don’t know why. I really want to redo my room.

 

1-24-10

I officially declare the dream I had last night the worst dream EVER. Ok so in my dream, Joe* texted me and said he was sorry and that he hoped we could do things differently. I texted him and told him to come over and that I loved him. He told me it would be like twenty minutes because he needed to break up with his girlfriend. When he came over, we hugged and started going out again. I told him that if this was a dream, I would kill myself. That is how real it was, like I could actually think and decide what I wanted to do. FML. Ugh. I was doing so much better and now I feel back on the edge. I’m one step away, while last week I was twenty steps away. Again, I kind of wish Joe* would break up. FML.

 

3-21-10

Wow I have not written in a LONG time, my bad. I am feeling better than I have been because I am taking medication. My therapist told me I should see a psychiatrist for antidepressants. I have been on a kind (that works) for a week. The first attempt after two weeks did not work. I think I am mostly over Joe* and I don’t want him to die anymore haha. There is a dance coming up on April 16th but I probably won’t go. Volleyball still sucks but we’ll see. My confidence in everything sucks, I am trying to only eat one small meal a day, but I’m not going to get an eating disorder! I’m just going to lose weight, then I’ll eat more. Right now, I am just too fat and ugly. I don’t want summer to come because then I get to show everyone how fat, ugly, and pale I am. UGH…life. We are going to DC for spring break! Yay! I got rubber bands for my braces so I can get them off before Sophomore year starts!

**Oh if only antidepressants actually did work or not work after a week haha also funny that I thought I could just have an eating disorder until I lost the weight I wanted to lose.

 

3-24-10

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROTHER!

Today, I decided to change the spelling of my name from Allie to Ally? Why? Because I’m bored. Today I had to do box pushes at volleyball and I almost passed out. It is because I am not eating though. My goal everyday is to eat only five different things and under 600 calories (for now). I have to decrease slowly or I don’t function well. Today I had like 1,000 and I thought about throwing up. But I decided not to.

**Oh the beginning of ED life.

 

4-9-10

A stupid goose woke me up this morning. So my day is starting out wonderfully. Over spring break I ate A TON and I gained A TON of weight. My goal now is less than 450 calories a day (starting today). I am a vegetarian now. I haven’t had meat in a week J Today my goal is to only eat three bowls of cheerios. I HAVE TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT! Ugh.

 

5-6-10

I have gained a lot – I am so fat -_- Tomorrow is the begging of losing it (and more J). Can’t eat list:

  • Peanut butter
  • Desserts
  • Chips
  • Ice cream
  • Candy
  • Cinnamon toast crunch
  • Granola bars
  • Meat
  • Cheese (sliced)
  • Smoothies
  • 1+ fruit a day
  • Graham crackers
  • Pretzels

Hopefully I will stick with this. I am trying to stay under 600 and decrease slowly. I made myself puke today. And I realized I have been taking the wrong meds out of the cabinet. My thighs and hips and arms are soooooo fat. My face is butt ugly.

**Keep in mind that I was probably under 115 at this point in my life. Oh, to go back to that weight…

 

5-12-10

Oh shit, well Monday I cut myself BAD. I told my friends and mom that I burned myself on the hair straightener. I’m so fat and UGLY. I don’t know what to do. I hate life.

P.S. I don’t know why they believe me because it is obviously two cuts.

 

6-19-10

Well, I switched meds again but I’m still sad. I don’t know how to describe it. I watched Shutter Island today and I decided I wish I was mentally insane. It’s like living in a fantasy or a nightmare. I know that is weird but I don’t care; I am tired of this. I try to convince myself that I see things or hear things. I feel messed up even writing this, it’s probably just PMS but it can’t be because I have my period. AH what do I do…

 

8-9-20

Sorry, I haven’t written in a while. BTW – last entry = total PMS. That’s some messed up stuff. I AM OVER JOE*! Yeah buddy! Volleyball tryouts today. If I don’t make it I will die. That’s legit too. AHHHHH! I am so behind on school work too…FML. Last Friday I went to the Rascal Flatts concert and on Thursday the Paramore concernt. I ❤ my new friends!

 

*****This is the gap where my horrible ex-boyfriend made me rip out a bunch of pages because they were so messed up. He thought it would help me to move on, nope.

 

11-6-10

Wow, it’s been a long time. I didn’t make volleyball therefore I’m fatter. I have been throwing up everything I eat. I haven’t taken my medicine and I lie about taking it. I want to die again. I love my friends. I like Aaron* a lot. We will date. My current best friend almost moved to NYC and now it might be Indianapolis. I am doing bad in school. I think I have ADD. My room is a mess. I’m ugly, even though I got my braces off. I have my period and a yeast infection, FML.

 

Age:16

7-5-11

Shiz it’s been a while. Aaron* and I dated…then broke up. I cheated on him (I was super drunk) with two guys. I was devastated. I drank because I was sad and I thought it would help. Let’s make a list:

  1. I cut myself – all the time. Badly.
  2. I am FAT!
  3. I am paranoid about being pregnant but I have never had sex. Odd…
  4. I drink – A LOT. (But now I am not. I reward myself every month I don’t, I promise)
  5. I HATE my life.
  6. I have no friends.
  7. I’m ugly.
  8. Guys hate me.
  9. I got new meds and tomorrow I am getting more.
  10. I am obsessed with Harry Potter.

 

Reflection on posts to come! Hopefully soon, but I’ve been so busy with work. Sorry for the gap in posts!!!

 

 

 

Blast From the Past: First Depressive Episode – Part 1

Pre-Depression Diagnosis

Age: 14; *Changed names for privacy

7-11-09

Well, ha, I’ve never been so sad in my life 😦 I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like I have no friends and I cried for an hour straight. It wasn’t a calm cry either 😦 UGH! I need help.

 

8-18-09

Well… This past month was THE WORST IN MY LIFE. It started with me being sad ALL the time. Then me and Joe* broke up (I did it). That was the hardest, most terrible thing I have ever done. Well after that, I didn’t talk to him for like two weeks. He had started talking to a girl and now they are going out and I don’t think he even knows her or likes her. He told me to wait for him which is a bunch of BS because he can “move on” but I can’t. He started saying that we can’t leave it up to chance that we will go out again. It wasn’t guaranteed ever ha… Ugh this other girl thing hurts me so bad. I don’t know what to do. It is like he is using her to test the waters, then is using me to come back to. UGH! 😦 😦 😦 😦 I never thought this would happen. I hate to say it but I thought I loved him. Ahh! I really hope it all works out. I made volleyball and I think I could start! Also I started talking to Aaron and he asked if I wanted to go out some time. For now though, I just need closure with Joe* 😦 Also, the lowest point of my life happened.

 

8-30-09

😦 Ugh, I’m really hating my life right now. Everything makes me sad and I can’t have fun or enjoy anything. I saw Joe* for the first time last night since June 20th happened. It was so bad. He is so different and idk about being friends. I wish I could just move and start completely over. UGH! I am not looking forward to high school AT ALL! I had my first two volleyball games yesterday. We won and I played libero.

 

9-7-09

HAPPY LABOR DAY! Well…I’m doing a lot better now. Joe* and I never talk (only once since we broke up). I am actually hoping to become friends with his girl. School starts tomorrow! Volleyball is great! I am playing libero even against the tough teams J There is a chance I might have broken my thumb tho, but I’m not going to the doctor and I suck it up and play. I’m not really feeling my new school but we will see… Festival is this weekend! I got an env touch (new phone) last Sunday.

 

9-12-09

Well nevermind. I’m actually doing a lot worse now. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t like school, the girls at my school, or just life. This weekend is the festival but I don’t think I’m going to go. I can’t believe I am admitting this, but I wanna go out with Joe* so bad. I can’t stand it anymore L UGH! I wish I could just move!! Friends are bothering me also. My mom said she was going to take me to the doctor to get meds that will keep me happy. I hope that works.

***Laughing so hard @ “meds that will keep me happy.” If only….

 

9-23-09

YAY! I am so over Joe* and I have decided to be social! Volleyball is going great, I am playing libero and we play [our rival] tomorrow! We are 11-0 and they are undefeated too! Oh man, I’m pumped! AHHHH! We have to win, it is a home game too J J J J I’ll let you know how it goes! BTW, I’m going to the dance with Aaron* J School is good too J

 

10-24-09

Well – a lot has happened in the past month. We beat [our rival] twice! Including, in one match, a game that was 9-25. We crushed them J We ended up losing to [another school] in the tourney finals. We got too cocky. Today I am in my cousin’s wedding. Me and [new guy] went to fall ball and I got confirmed over the past two weeks. Joe* – I don’t know what to feel about this anymore. I miss him so much. Me and Alanna [best friend since 2001] are having issues. Apparently we aren’t best friends anymore.

 

11-14-09

Oops! I haven’t written in a while. Things are going ok. Friends are still pissing me off and me and Alanna are still awkward. School is ok, I get my report card today, all A’s? I hope so! Varsity Volleyball is in the state finals today. Both schools are undefeated. I’m praying [my school] wins. I don’t really like [my school], I don’t know if I want to go there next year, we’ll see. I am having a lot of issues now. With body image, self-confidence and just being happy and everything. I emailed this speaker at school about Joe* and his verbal abusive ways and he told me to just talk to someone older that I trust. But I don’t want to be with him anymore because I realized his abusive ways and how he can’t change. I’m over him – I just have to work on myself now. I went to [all guy’s school] mixer last night and danced with like 5 guys. Of course, though, all guys are D-bags and only want to dance then they leave. I am going to take a huge break from them. Tryouts for [club] volleyball are this week… AHHHHHHHHHHH! I’M STRESSED OUT!

 

Age: 15

11-27-09

Well I’m really missing Joe* this week. I don’t know why I’m having major issues with self-confidence too L UGH well I strained my thumb – that’s why my handwriting sucks ha. I’m 15 now! I did not make [two of the competitive club teams] so yeah I’m not happy about that -_- I’m on [another club team] with a friend from school. Right now, I am just wishing my dad will get a job offer for somewhere far away. I know it is selfish, but it doesn’t hurt to hope. Guys are stupid!

 

*Changed names for privacy.

 

 

Blast From The Past: March 8th, 2011

I found this poem from March 8th, 2011. And wow, it’s crazy. Also, I realized I am a horrible poet. My writing has improved drastically, thank goodness!

 

Why won’t the pain go away?

Even when I fake a smile,

the pain just grows

knowing not even faking will help.

 

With others I smile, laugh

but alone I cannot dream of these.

I hate myself.

I hate my life.

I want to die.

 

Is it bad to pray to die?

The thought of driving into

other cars head on is daily,

I am in fear of driving alone.

 

When my best friend moves,

I will have no one.

If I am not dead by then, I will do it.

I have already made up my mind.

 

I like being hopeless –

it’s a feeling I can feel.

I do not want to change,

I want to get worse

 

Lately I have been too tired

to cut or to hurt deeper,

but once I am awake,

I hope for the painless

world of sleep.

 

The sight of my blood

makes me happy,

the sight of people

pisses me off.

But this is alright.

 

The fat on my body –

I am craving my anorexia.

Or even better – cancer.

For if I died naturally,

I wouldn’t have to hurt

my family or my few friends.

They do not care anyways.

 

I want to go to treatment,

somewhere far away.

If my mom knew how I feel,

I would be carted off to the hospital.

 

I wish I could escape

without hurting whom I love,

but this is necessary.

And it must be done.

Blast From The Past: Introduction

Blast from the past (BFTP) is a new category I have started after discovering old journals of mine from the first depressive episode I ever experienced in 2009. Reading this journal has shed light on what I am going through today and has validated what I am going through. Considering I have no memory of these times in my life, I am very glad I have written documentation. Unfortunately, an abusive ex made me rip up a lot of the really bad posts as a way of moving on, so I don’t have the worst ones. The ones I do have are still interesting. This category is more for me, that I always have access to this documentation of this time. But I hope this can help others who maybe feel similar to the way I wrote about.

5-1-17: Denying Emotions

Dear Diary,

Transitioning back to the real world after inpatient has been difficult and incredibly busy, considering it is finals time. I am really trying to finish out my classes without accepting any incompletes. I have been overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, and emotionless. Such a lovely combination.

I haven’t yet let myself process what I am going through which is probably why my impulsive behavior has been worse than ever. I have spent so much money, drank to the point of being drunk, and had horrible SH urges. I know it’s because I have all this inside of me, but I won’t let it come out yet. After finals, I will use these posts to process everything. I just can’t let my mental health ruin the GPA I have worked so hard for. But I also don’t want to ruin my mental health by working so hard for my GPA… rock and a hard place.

Today I saw an old friend from out of town (fling, if you will) and we went to breakfast. I have always been so comfortable with him, he is like a brother – we are just so similar. And things were weird on my end. I dissociated, I almost had a panic attack, my eyes were darting. He noticed it too, which made things even more strange because neither of us knew what to do. It made me really upset because this is one of my really good friends and my mental health is impacting that relationship as well.

So this a brief update I’ve been trying to get myself to write for days, I just don’t know what to say, how to feel, or what to do. In one week, I will be actively working to get control back in my life. Finally.

Edit: Forgot to mention that I am starting DBT treatment tomorrow. I am excited and I will hopefully have some things to say tomorrow. ALSO, I have created a team for a NAMI walk in my town and I have raised almost $500 for mental health SO FAR. It has given me a sort of light in this darkness and it makes me almost feel genuinely happy. I’ve found something that is giving me meaning in this rough time, thankfully. Ok now, trying to go to bed now.

4-19-17

Dear Diary,

I just took four shots back to back because life. Everything is falling apart. After I posted earlier, I got an intense urge to end things and I prepared my “hospital bag” like pregnant people prepare their bags for unexpected labor. It’s just funny to me because I know I wouldn’t have access to any of my bag, but hey whatever. I think I have hit my all time low. And for me that takes some work.

After getting everything ready to go, my one friend showed up to make sure I was ok. He kept me grounded and stayed with me until I had class. I went to class while choking back tears. I told my professor (who I bonded with after my mental breakdown mid-class) that I wouldn’t be in class because I needed to seek immediate attention. She was just as shocked as I was when I walked in the door.

The same friend picked me up from work, with food in hand. Knowing fully well that I haven’t had a full meal in a month. I scarfed it down and he left for his last class of graduate school. I am now drinking, knowing fully well it will result in either going to the ER or self-harm. Self destructive behaviors that previously went unquestioned are now justified with my diagnosis of BPD.

My mom, my rock, my hero, is in Cancun with my brother for his spring break and my dad is somewhere in the middle of the woods (he’s gone full Ralph Waldo Emerson mixed with Into the Wild). I texted her telling her I was going to admit myself and, having been with me during my previous traumatizing ER experience, told me not to go. She wasn’t aware of my feelings that I would just be taking up a bed and that no one would take me seriously if I didn’t have pills in my stomach, so I *yelled* at her over text and pushed her away (we’ve made up since). Everyone else completely invalidated how I was feeling and I didn’t go.

So here I am, getting drunk on purpose, not turning in my homework for the first time in my life (I have a 3.8, which is the lowest GPA I’ve ever had). I’m shoving goldfish in my mouth and taking shots. I think I am probably getting drunk so I have the guts to go to the ER. I don’t know.

Until Next Time,

introspectingacf

4-18-17

Trigger Warning (I feel like my entire blog is a trigger warning, ugh)

Dear Diary,

It’s funny. When everything in your life feels so out of control, you feel like an outside observer of the catastrophe that has become your reality. I fear I have fallen deep back into the depths of Ana’s grasp once again. Because when everything is out of control, we go to great lengths to at least find something we can hold on to.

I still have not found out about PHP and it’s torture. I saw an emergency counselor at my university’s counseling center and it went alright. She did recommend that I go from the appointment to the ER, but of course I cannot do that as I am traumatized from the last time and they don’t take you seriously unless you have a bottle of pills in your stomach. They belittle my mental health and make me feel like a failure for taking up a bed in the ER. That’s the last thing I need right now. Especially because I know if I get bad news about the program that I will end up in the ER anyway.

Sorry this is so scattered, I feel so weak from not eating that I can barely type, let alone write like a literate human being. My brain is just not working very well. Everything is going to shit and all my support is out of town. I’m so overwhelmed, I should just go to the ER anyway. All I want to do is listen to podcasts, read, and purposely trigger and anger myself with 13 Reasons Why (aka the most horrible show in the world and it’s popularity only perpetuates the stigma with mental health and suicide, ugh, but that is a post for another day). I self-harmed again, but at least I didn’t need stitches this time. I’ll try to update more often, I need to stop bottling this shit up.

How the hell am I going to get through finals if I don’t even know if I can get through each day…

4-11-17

Dear Diary,

It’s been five days since my appointment and while I’m still not letting myself feel the emotions from that day, I have been taking action in other ways. For instance, I am getting referrals for hospital therapists and for a PHP program back at home. I am working on the appointment for the neuropsychiatric evaluation and getting my medications in line. For once I am willing to open up completely to a therapist to get the help I need and deserve. I am putting it all out there, in the hopes that I will get results. What happens if I don’t? Well I have some morbid ideas about that but hopefully I won’t have to deal with that.

The PHP program I am trying to get into is at a private institution which already screened me out for a psychiatrist and a therapist at their institution. This hurt me hard and had me seething at the current mental health system. I believed they didn’t want a patient as complicated as me in order to keep their numbers high, I thought they just didn’t want to deal with me and couldn’t help me. If this well-regarded mental health facility can’t help me, then who could? I felt rejected and defeated, and all as a result of the wording they used. “We don’t have any doctors willing to take you on as a patient.” As a mental health facility, I expected more. They are dealing with fragile patients and their families and hearing this felt like a kick in the gut. They referred me to a place I had already tried. I was devastated and about ready to throw in the towel.

It seems that whenever I am ready to give up, something good happens to keep me going. It’s like some cruel joke the universe has planned for me, but that’s a little egocentric and probably not true (although sometimes a good “woe is me” attitude is necessary to get through life events). I am about at the end of my rope once again. After being diagnosed with BPD and realizing that everything I am taking is the correct treatment, my hope is dwindling. I’m not sure I can take being rejected from this PHP program even though the chances are great that I will be based on past experience. The last time I needed to get into IOP, I had to go to the ED before they would see me, otherwise it would take months to even have an intake appointment. I am beyond baffled by the mental health system and shocked that in 2017 it still exists this way.

Mentally ill patients are second class citizens and it will be that way until politicians realize the necessity for social programs and subsidies. I don’t know, I hate politics. I just need something to change.

When I called the insurance about covering a partial program, the first question I was asked was “are you suicidal?” and I stumbled over my words. I thought, if I say no they may not cover the program, but if I say yes they may call the cops on me. Now, in hindsight, they wouldn’t have called the cops on me but that is such a loaded question and I was offended that I was asked that when simply implying about my coverage (or my parent’s coverage; when I get kicked off my parent’s coverage I am going to be in real trouble, but that’s a post for another day). I reiterated that I just wanted to know about coverage level, yet he persistently asked me questions like “you just had treatment, why do you need it again?” or “what is your current diagnosis and why is this medically necessary?” and I was pissed. I am not supposed to be the one explaining why this is medically necessary, how can anyone determine what is medically necessary and when? I finally told him that if he is trying to determine medical necessity that he should talk to my doctor and I just want to know what it will cost. Finally I got an answer, but I was furious. The stigma is alive and well and I see it around every corner.

Now I sit and wait once again for my fate to be delivered to me with “accepted” or “rejected”.

Dear Diary 4-5-17

Dear Diary,

Today was an ok day. I still have crippling anxiety at the thought of my appointment with my new psychiatrist on Friday, but I am coping. I have not self-harmed since I had to get stitches and for that I am proud. I still am not eating, but I don’t know how much of that is me restricting versus just a side effect (that I love) of this new drug. I have gained quite a bit of weight since my mental health started to decline, so losing fifteen pounds in three weeks is dangerously inspiring. I finally ate some pizza today as I was hungry for the first time in a while, but I purged. At least I got something into my system.

I am currently sitting in front of the wide open window on my ninth floor apartment with all the lights out watching the severe weather roll in. Storms make me so happy and they have since I was old enough to know what they were. I mostly like them because I am an adrenaline junkie but I also love how humbling they are. Right now, I am incredibly fatalistic, the adrenaline from knowing I shouldn’t be sitting in front of the window with all this lightning during a severe weather warning is especially thrilling. Of course I won’t get struck by lighting, but the mere chance exists me. I sit here getting constant alerts about the amount of lightning this storm is producing and the hail and winds and I am overjoyed. It’s dumb, I know it and I’m sure I’ll read back on this and be ashamed. But I’ve always loved storms so it really isn’t too out of the ordinary for me.

I sit here alone in the dark and I am humbled by the sheer power of these natural phenomena. The purple, the pink, the white. Lightning is beautiful, but so deadly. I love that contrast, it brings me peace somehow. I am trying to put my finger on why, but I just can’t quite come up with the words. I just enjoy symbolic, ironic dichotomies.

The storms make me feel so insignificant and at the hands of fate. It lessens the significance of my problems. For ten minutes, or however long the storm lasts, I can forget about what’s going on in my life and just marvel at the strength of nature. I’ve always wanted to be a meteorologist, maybe I should have gone that route. It’s not like I know what route I’m taking anyway, but whatever…I’m rambling.

It’s funny because I love to be alone, but I hate to be alone without someone nearby. My roommate has recently been spending most of her time out of the apartment and I am always alone. But when she is here we don’t interact that much unless we have plans to have a girls night or something. It’s weird to me that it is much less anxiety inducing to be alone in my room while she is one room over. It’s like a comfort blanket, just there if I need it.

I’m already judging myself about this post because it is so boring and pointless. If I was writing in a real diary, I wouldn’t be so critical. Maybe I’ll have to turn this blog to private, I don’t know. Always questioning, always being critical…

Anxiety wise, today was rough even though I was only out of the house for three hours for class. Every tiny noise causes an unwelcome adrenaline rush and release of cortisol that leaves me reeling. After class I obsessively thought about how I made a fool of myself for talking so much in class. I love literature so I just couldn’t help myself. It was miserable so I drowned it out with Netflix. Something I am trying hard not to do.

I recently bought a book called How to Be Sick and I want to devote my time to finishing my first whole self help book. I love to read and I have at least ten books on my bookshelf that I am dying to read. However, Netflix is easier and I frequently turn to that. Maybe I’ll try a no-Netflix month. Who knows.

My friend (Alex whom I used to date) just came as he didn’t want to drive his car back from campus to his apartment if it was going to hail. He is great but I will save him for another day as this is already quite long and I’m being incredible judgmental of myself for this. Ugh. It never ends.

Allie