I just took four shots back to back because life. Everything is falling apart. After I posted earlier, I got an intense urge to end things and I prepared my “hospital bag” like pregnant people prepare their bags for unexpected labor. It’s just funny to me because I know I wouldn’t have access to any of my bag, but hey whatever. I think I have hit my all time low. And for me that takes some work.
After getting everything ready to go, my one friend showed up to make sure I was ok. He kept me grounded and stayed with me until I had class. I went to class while choking back tears. I told my professor (who I bonded with after my mental breakdown mid-class) that I wouldn’t be in class because I needed to seek immediate attention. She was just as shocked as I was when I walked in the door.
The same friend picked me up from work, with food in hand. Knowing fully well that I haven’t had a full meal in a month. I scarfed it down and he left for his last class of graduate school. I am now drinking, knowing fully well it will result in either going to the ER or self-harm. Self destructive behaviors that previously went unquestioned are now justified with my diagnosis of BPD.
My mom, my rock, my hero, is in Cancun with my brother for his spring break and my dad is somewhere in the middle of the woods (he’s gone full Ralph Waldo Emerson mixed with Into the Wild). I texted her telling her I was going to admit myself and, having been with me during my previous traumatizing ER experience, told me not to go. She wasn’t aware of my feelings that I would just be taking up a bed and that no one would take me seriously if I didn’t have pills in my stomach, so I *yelled* at her over text and pushed her away (we’ve made up since). Everyone else completely invalidated how I was feeling and I didn’t go.
So here I am, getting drunk on purpose, not turning in my homework for the first time in my life (I have a 3.8, which is the lowest GPA I’ve ever had). I’m shoving goldfish in my mouth and taking shots. I think I am probably getting drunk so I have the guts to go to the ER. I don’t know.
Until Next Time,