4-18-17

Trigger Warning (I feel like my entire blog is a trigger warning, ugh)

Dear Diary,

It’s funny. When everything in your life feels so out of control, you feel like an outside observer of the catastrophe that has become your reality. I fear I have fallen deep back into the depths of Ana’s grasp once again. Because when everything is out of control, we go to great lengths to at least find something we can hold on to.

I still have not found out about PHP and it’s torture. I saw an emergency counselor at my university’s counseling center and it went alright. She did recommend that I go from the appointment to the ER, but of course I cannot do that as I am traumatized from the last time and they don’t take you seriously unless you have a bottle of pills in your stomach. They belittle my mental health and make me feel like a failure for taking up a bed in the ER. That’s the last thing I need right now. Especially because I know if I get bad news about the program that I will end up in the ER anyway.

Sorry this is so scattered, I feel so weak from not eating that I can barely type, let alone write like a literate human being. My brain is just not working very well. Everything is going to shit and all my support is out of town. I’m so overwhelmed, I should just go to the ER anyway. All I want to do is listen to podcasts, read, and purposely trigger and anger myself with 13 Reasons Why (aka the most horrible show in the world and it’s popularity only perpetuates the stigma with mental health and suicide, ugh, but that is a post for another day). I self-harmed again, but at least I didn’t need stitches this time. I’ll try to update more often, I need to stop bottling this shit up.

How the hell am I going to get through finals if I don’t even know if I can get through each day…

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